1 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,015 Merry Christmas Eve, Alex. 2 00:00:05,035 --> 00:00:06,601 So, he's still alive... 3 00:00:06,637 --> 00:00:09,171 Must mean you haven't told Mom you're pregnant yet. 4 00:00:09,206 --> 00:00:11,773 We want to be careful to do it right. 5 00:00:11,809 --> 00:00:13,275 Now you're being careful? 6 00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:14,843 I can't keep this secret anymore. 7 00:00:14,878 --> 00:00:15,844 Look at me! 8 00:00:16,595 --> 00:00:17,646 Ugh. She's going gray. 9 00:00:17,681 --> 00:00:19,181 Oh my God, she is! 10 00:00:19,216 --> 00:00:20,715 I was just gasping at the haircut. 11 00:00:20,751 --> 00:00:24,453 Apparently, this is what happens when I feel stress now. 12 00:00:24,488 --> 00:00:26,254 Well, we're telling them today, okay? 13 00:00:26,290 --> 00:00:27,689 That way, if Mom freaks, 14 00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:30,392 she'll have 10 days in Bermuda to calm down. 15 00:00:30,427 --> 00:00:31,927 Okay, then go now! 16 00:00:31,962 --> 00:00:33,962 She's never in a better mood than on Christmas Eve. 17 00:00:33,997 --> 00:00:35,597 Wait, is this a good way to tell her? 18 00:00:35,632 --> 00:00:37,466 We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire," 19 00:00:37,501 --> 00:00:38,934 and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma," 20 00:00:38,969 --> 00:00:41,203 we go, "Tell that to Haley and my's baby." 21 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,994 Promise me you won't home school this kid. 22 00:00:47,498 --> 00:00:49,064 Hey, Mom. What are you doing? 23 00:00:49,099 --> 00:00:52,334 Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter. 24 00:00:52,369 --> 00:00:53,502 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 25 00:00:53,537 --> 00:00:55,037 You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card. 26 00:00:55,072 --> 00:00:58,340 You know how sensitive he gets about his piano placement. 27 00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,242 Remember that one year where his card 28 00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:03,011 was slightly behind the one from our old babysitter? 29 00:01:03,047 --> 00:01:05,047 Mm, I believe he spoke the charming phrase, 30 00:01:05,082 --> 00:01:06,548 "And who is this whore?" 31 00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:08,784 Well, Christmas is at Grandpa's this year, 32 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:12,120 so Cam will never see it. 33 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:13,855 Check out the sledding polar bear paper. 34 00:01:13,891 --> 00:01:15,624 Can't look at that and not be in a good mood, huh? 35 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:16,458 Yeah. 36 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,360 I am so sick of that stuff. 37 00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:21,163 I ordered five rolls from some kid for a school drive. 38 00:01:21,198 --> 00:01:23,966 He shows up with fifty... his fault. 39 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,133 Kid bursts into tears. 40 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,169 Like it's on me that he can't count? 41 00:01:27,204 --> 00:01:29,371 - I was six, Mom. - Mm. 42 00:01:31,809 --> 00:01:34,109 Bermuda just gets it... 43 00:01:34,144 --> 00:01:36,044 formal yet casual. 44 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,046 And home of the most perfectly tanned 45 00:01:38,082 --> 00:01:40,449 lower thigh, upper knee region in the world. 46 00:01:40,484 --> 00:01:42,784 Not hard to pick out a Bermudan in a locker room. 47 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,187 No. Oh, hang on. 48 00:01:45,222 --> 00:01:47,789 Wait. Well, this can't be right. 49 00:01:47,825 --> 00:01:49,791 This itinerary says we're on four flights 50 00:01:49,827 --> 00:01:50,993 with three layovers. 51 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,361 Oh, yeah, um... 52 00:01:52,396 --> 00:01:54,930 remember how I found that amazing airline deal online? 53 00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:57,833 Yeah, but two of these layovers are six hours each. 54 00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,735 Yes, but the third one's only 12 minutes. 55 00:01:59,770 --> 00:02:01,069 But it's at O'Hare. 56 00:02:01,105 --> 00:02:02,371 Honey, we'll have to sprint 57 00:02:02,406 --> 00:02:03,739 from one end of the airport to the other. 58 00:02:03,774 --> 00:02:06,341 It'll all be worth it when we wake up on December 27th 59 00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:09,011 in Bermuda, where the forecast predicts... 60 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,779 hot fog. 61 00:02:10,814 --> 00:02:12,114 Can't we just take a direct flight? 62 00:02:12,149 --> 00:02:14,282 There's no changes, the terms were very clear. 63 00:02:14,318 --> 00:02:16,385 It was part of a promotion for a new website 64 00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:17,652 called Tickets.Plane. 65 00:02:19,323 --> 00:02:21,056 Oh, yeah, I have a showing right down the street. 66 00:02:21,091 --> 00:02:22,624 Okay. Wait, hang on. 67 00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:23,525 Don't leave. Don't leave. 68 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,594 What is Economy Minus? 69 00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:28,263 A plus, actually, 70 00:02:28,298 --> 00:02:30,332 since no one's jealous of people with aisle seats, 71 00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:34,436 because it's basically two innovative 18-person benches 72 00:02:34,471 --> 00:02:35,470 facing each other. 73 00:02:36,507 --> 00:02:37,606 Phil?! 74 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,342 What? 75 00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:41,376 Nothing. 76 00:02:57,561 --> 00:02:59,061 Who moved Cam's card? 77 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,863 He's gonna be very upset if he's not on the mantel! 78 00:03:01,899 --> 00:03:03,265 I put it in a drawer until he gets here. 79 00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,833 That glitter was getting on everything. 80 00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:07,135 I breathed some of that in. 81 00:03:07,171 --> 00:03:09,004 I cough gold now. 82 00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:11,840 Gloria, you got a package from Colombia. 83 00:03:11,875 --> 00:03:13,842 Must mean the government took back the airstrip. 84 00:03:13,877 --> 00:03:17,879 Those are the gifts from my cousins! 85 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,649 Beautiful! 86 00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:25,120 Back home we call these suéteres de Navidad. 87 00:03:25,155 --> 00:03:26,822 So... Christmas sweaters. 88 00:03:26,857 --> 00:03:30,325 Put them on so we can take a picture. 89 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,260 Wow, these are really soft. 90 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,062 Damn cozy is what they are. 91 00:03:34,098 --> 00:03:37,432 Oh, look, they also sent a banana leaf wreath. 92 00:03:38,430 --> 00:03:39,434 Banana spider! 93 00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:40,602 - What?! - What is that?! 94 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,437 It's a deadly spider! It will kill you! 95 00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:43,371 I know what deadly means! 96 00:03:43,407 --> 00:03:44,439 Well, where'd it go? 97 00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,574 I'm wearing backless house slippers! 98 00:03:45,609 --> 00:03:46,408 I think it ran over to the... 99 00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:50,412 He took the tree! 100 00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:52,714 Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy? 101 00:03:52,749 --> 00:03:53,961 The sweaters. 102 00:03:54,251 --> 00:03:56,418 Where there's one, there's many! 103 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,219 - Run! - Let's go! 104 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,023 Dear God, he's got the remote. 105 00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:05,127 Okay, smile! 106 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,761 Can we go look at phones after this? 107 00:04:06,797 --> 00:04:09,498 No, Lily, you are not getting a cell phone for Christmas. 108 00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:11,166 They're expensive, and you haven't proven yourself 109 00:04:11,201 --> 00:04:13,435 responsible enough to own one yet. 110 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:16,304 Uh, I was responsible enough to come to a foreign country 111 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,739 and build a life with two strangers. 112 00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:20,142 Okay, you used that one to get a later bedtime, all right? 113 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:22,010 Oh, Cal, you're next. 114 00:04:22,045 --> 00:04:23,512 Ho, ho, ho. 115 00:04:23,547 --> 00:04:26,047 We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas. 116 00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:28,183 It's tough with his mom being in prison. 117 00:04:28,218 --> 00:04:32,120 Plus, his holiday season kind of got off to a rough start. 118 00:04:32,156 --> 00:04:34,556 You know, of all of our wonderful ornament selects, 119 00:04:34,591 --> 00:04:35,891 these are my fave. 120 00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:37,092 Merry Christmas! 121 00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:39,261 From Mitch and Cam! 122 00:04:39,296 --> 00:04:41,863 ♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪ 123 00:04:41,899 --> 00:04:44,332 ♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪ 124 00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,835 ♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪ 125 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,237 ♪ All for the little ones' Christmas joy ♪ 126 00:04:49,273 --> 00:04:51,740 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 127 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:54,242 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 128 00:04:54,278 --> 00:04:56,678 ♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪ 129 00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,448 - He was fine. Fine! - He was fine. 130 00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:02,083 We barely got through three verses 131 00:05:02,119 --> 00:05:04,386 and a repeat chorus before we realized our mistake. 132 00:05:04,421 --> 00:05:06,621 - Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere. - Yeah. 133 00:05:07,154 --> 00:05:09,424 Merry Christmas, little Cal! 134 00:05:09,459 --> 00:05:11,660 Lily, take your cousin over there. Relax a little. 135 00:05:11,695 --> 00:05:12,561 Okay, go. 136 00:05:12,596 --> 00:05:13,929 - Hi! - Hi! 137 00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:16,364 Hey, Santa. So, just wondering if you could you do us a favor 138 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,801 and tell us what our nephew just asked for for Christmas? 139 00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:21,369 I know you. You're that lawyer. 140 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,871 Oh, no. This is never good. 141 00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,473 You're the ADA who charged me with public intoxication. 142 00:05:25,509 --> 00:05:28,009 Got me sentenced to fifty hours community service... 143 00:05:28,045 --> 00:05:30,045 working as a mall Santa is part of it. 144 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,948 Okay. Well, I'm sorry. But can't we move past that? 145 00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:35,283 We really need to know what our nephew asked for. 146 00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,385 He asked for a more lenient justice system. 147 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:39,621 Well, I doubt that. He's pretty conservative. 148 00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:41,389 We have to pretend to be roommates. 149 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:42,657 Can we move this along? 150 00:05:42,693 --> 00:05:44,659 I only have my kids for four hours this week. 151 00:05:46,939 --> 00:05:48,705 Merry Christmas. 152 00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:50,540 You know what? As a former mall Santa, 153 00:05:50,576 --> 00:05:52,576 I vowed never to comment on a sitting Santa, 154 00:05:52,611 --> 00:05:54,544 but you're a disgrace to the red and white. 155 00:05:55,681 --> 00:05:57,280 Phil, I just got off the phone with my dad. 156 00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,149 We're moving Christmas Eve to our house. 157 00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,250 I got to run out and get some groceries. 158 00:06:00,285 --> 00:06:01,585 See you soon. Bye. 159 00:06:03,755 --> 00:06:04,688 Where's the tree? 160 00:06:04,723 --> 00:06:06,490 Where are the gifts? 161 00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:09,426 I assumed you canceled Christmas because you found out that I... 162 00:06:10,729 --> 00:06:11,962 But I interrupted you. 163 00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,630 Did your dad take them to his showing? 164 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,032 He's always doing this... he steals my decorations 165 00:06:16,068 --> 00:06:18,301 to stage his houses to make them homier. 166 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,570 He swore he would stop doing this! 167 00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:21,972 At least he left the "wreaf." 168 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,039 Wreath. 169 00:06:23,075 --> 00:06:24,374 Eh, I've heard it both ways. 170 00:06:24,409 --> 00:06:26,376 No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right. 171 00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:28,445 What are we supposed to do? 172 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,580 We can't host a Christmas without a tree. 173 00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:32,482 I thought you weren't allowed to host Christmas anymore 174 00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:33,483 after last year. 175 00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:38,121 I took a swing at a new way to prepare turkey. 176 00:06:41,786 --> 00:06:43,019 Well, this is frozen. 177 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,820 No, Dad, you just... you hit a bone. 178 00:06:44,856 --> 00:06:46,255 I saw this on "Top Chef." 179 00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:49,025 They cooked an entire turkey in one hour. 180 00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:50,560 Luke had some, you're fine. Aren't you, buddy? 181 00:06:52,196 --> 00:06:53,095 Check on Joe. 182 00:06:59,904 --> 00:07:03,272 Oh, your father isn't answering. 183 00:07:03,308 --> 00:07:04,540 You knew about this, didn't you? 184 00:07:04,576 --> 00:07:05,841 I could tell you were hiding something. 185 00:07:10,248 --> 00:07:12,048 Phil? 186 00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:13,783 Phil! 187 00:07:13,818 --> 00:07:14,784 Ph... Oh! 188 00:07:15,787 --> 00:07:17,653 This theater is totally soundproof, 189 00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:21,390 so no one will hear you yelling at Jim to pick up his socks, Sandy. 190 00:07:21,426 --> 00:07:22,525 She does get loud. 191 00:07:27,131 --> 00:07:28,898 So, all of this, 192 00:07:28,933 --> 00:07:31,033 plus it's in a great school dist... rict. 193 00:07:31,069 --> 00:07:33,536 Oh my God, was this house just robbed? 194 00:07:33,571 --> 00:07:35,404 I told you this was a sketchy area. 195 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,139 I am not going through another home invasion 196 00:07:37,175 --> 00:07:40,209 with the kids and me banging on the panic room door. 197 00:07:40,244 --> 00:07:43,079 So, you guys chat, and I'll, uh, take a minute, 198 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,381 see if I can find a replacement tree 199 00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:47,483 and nine identically wrapped gifts. 200 00:07:48,786 --> 00:07:51,420 It's the perfect way to get your mom in a good mood. 201 00:07:51,456 --> 00:07:53,623 Think about it... cupcakes are little cakes 202 00:07:53,658 --> 00:07:55,458 just like babies are little people. 203 00:07:55,493 --> 00:07:56,659 I guess. 204 00:07:56,694 --> 00:07:58,194 I just want this to go well. 205 00:07:58,229 --> 00:07:59,662 I'm in a really good place with this baby, 206 00:07:59,697 --> 00:08:01,864 and I want my mom to be, too. 207 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,766 She wasn't in the best mood this morning. 208 00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:04,800 It's Christmas Eve. 209 00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:07,436 She can't stay a Grinch all day. 210 00:08:16,839 --> 00:08:17,851 Thank you. 211 00:08:18,595 --> 00:08:19,787 That was the exterminator. 212 00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:21,241 He is, uh, on his way, 213 00:08:21,278 --> 00:08:23,478 but he's gonna have to tent the house for a couple of days. 214 00:08:23,513 --> 00:08:26,181 And I'm trying to book us a hotel, but the call keeps dropping. 215 00:08:26,216 --> 00:08:28,516 Joe, let's go to the backyard. There's better reception. 216 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,187 Hey, listen. I left something inside. 217 00:08:32,222 --> 00:08:34,789 I need you to get it for me. This should keep you safe. 218 00:08:34,825 --> 00:08:37,091 Are you crazy? I'm not going back into that spider's nest. 219 00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:38,460 Fine, I hate them, too. 220 00:08:38,495 --> 00:08:41,262 The problem is, they're attracted to my musk. 221 00:08:41,298 --> 00:08:43,097 I went to the insect room at the zoo a while back, 222 00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:45,033 and they all started banging on the glass like inmates. 223 00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:46,534 What'd you leave in there that's so important? 224 00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:47,502 It's a medication. 225 00:08:47,537 --> 00:08:50,004 I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom 226 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,206 'cause I didn't want her to worry. 227 00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:53,541 Can we just stop by a liquor store and refill your "prescription." 228 00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:55,477 It's a medicine! Look... 229 00:08:55,512 --> 00:08:58,213 I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa. 230 00:08:58,248 --> 00:09:00,748 One that might add a, uh, hot stone massage, 231 00:09:00,784 --> 00:09:02,250 an herbal soak... 232 00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:03,818 Do I look like someone who can be bought? 233 00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,854 No, but you do look like someone who might enjoy 234 00:09:05,889 --> 00:09:07,856 a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle. 235 00:09:09,226 --> 00:09:10,925 You son of a bitch. 236 00:09:13,196 --> 00:09:16,097 So, Cal, what did you and Santa talk about? 237 00:09:17,529 --> 00:09:19,129 It's a secret. 238 00:09:19,164 --> 00:09:20,430 Me, I'd be fine with just cash. 239 00:09:20,466 --> 00:09:21,698 You guys have enough on your plate. 240 00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:23,667 Okay, you're not buying yourself a phone, all right? 241 00:09:23,702 --> 00:09:25,202 Ooh, Santa's on break. 242 00:09:25,237 --> 00:09:27,337 Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again. 243 00:09:27,373 --> 00:09:29,506 You guys need me... maybe throw a please in there. 244 00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:31,575 - Yeah. Hi! - Hi! 245 00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:33,310 Oh, it really is the most wonderful time of the year. 246 00:09:33,345 --> 00:09:35,579 - Beautiful. - Isn't it? So, listen, do you mind if... 247 00:09:35,614 --> 00:09:38,315 Do you think you're the first parents wanting to take a peek at my scroll? 248 00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:39,683 Better stick something in my bootie. 249 00:09:39,718 --> 00:09:41,051 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm sorry. What? 250 00:09:41,086 --> 00:09:43,086 Cash in the slipper, perv. 251 00:09:43,122 --> 00:09:44,221 Oh. Do you wanna... 252 00:09:44,256 --> 00:09:47,524 Yeah, yeah, I got... I got, uh... I've got $10. 253 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:48,992 Thank you. 254 00:09:49,028 --> 00:09:50,460 No, this is just a list of toys. 255 00:09:50,496 --> 00:09:52,029 None of the kids' names are next to them. 256 00:09:52,064 --> 00:09:54,097 Oh, oh. You know what? 257 00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:55,465 Uh, we'll look at pictures of Cal in line 258 00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:57,267 and then match the kids up behind him 259 00:09:57,303 --> 00:09:58,735 with the toys on the list. 260 00:09:58,771 --> 00:10:00,137 Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid, 261 00:10:00,172 --> 00:10:01,371 he maybe wants the, uh... 262 00:10:01,407 --> 00:10:02,372 There's no time to be politically correct. 263 00:10:02,408 --> 00:10:03,206 - He wants the calculator. - Calculator. 264 00:10:05,119 --> 00:10:06,652 - And he wants it bad. - Yeah. 265 00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:09,188 Wait, does that mean that this little boy wants the Barbie Styling Head? 266 00:10:09,223 --> 00:10:10,522 Yep, look at the turned-out foot. 267 00:10:10,558 --> 00:10:12,291 - Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head. - Hey! 268 00:10:12,326 --> 00:10:13,792 Which means Cal wants... 269 00:10:13,828 --> 00:10:14,760 Hot Wheels! 270 00:10:14,795 --> 00:10:16,395 Okay, okay. 271 00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:17,229 Let's go. 272 00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:18,764 - Thank you! - Thank you. 273 00:10:18,799 --> 00:10:20,265 Uhh... 274 00:10:20,301 --> 00:10:22,301 Don't worry. They come back. 275 00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:27,639 Please tell me you told Mom and Dad. 276 00:10:27,675 --> 00:10:29,474 No, but we're gonna tell them in song. 277 00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:31,109 Listen to this part. 278 00:10:31,145 --> 00:10:33,846 ♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪ 279 00:10:33,881 --> 00:10:36,315 ♪ Will spring forth from Haley's uterus ♪ 280 00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:38,183 I love it! 281 00:10:38,219 --> 00:10:41,220 She's lying. She just wants us to get it over with so her eczema will go away. 282 00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,188 I don't have... Oh, my God! 283 00:10:44,358 --> 00:10:46,091 Okay, you got this. 284 00:10:46,126 --> 00:10:47,226 You're quicker than those things. 285 00:10:47,261 --> 00:10:48,760 - I doubt that. - You're smarter. 286 00:10:48,796 --> 00:10:50,128 I can't make a web out of nothing. 287 00:10:50,164 --> 00:10:52,397 - Plus, you got a weapon. - A leaf blower? 288 00:10:52,433 --> 00:10:55,033 Hey, that thing can blow a Pomeranian through a hedge. 289 00:10:55,069 --> 00:10:56,869 Let's just say little Mimi from next door 290 00:10:56,904 --> 00:10:58,604 won't be visiting our lawn anymore. 291 00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:00,105 Now hurry up before your mom gets back. 292 00:11:01,208 --> 00:11:03,442 We'll be in constant communication. 293 00:11:03,477 --> 00:11:05,677 Go. Go, go, go. 294 00:11:05,713 --> 00:11:07,446 Keep your head on a swivel. 295 00:11:07,481 --> 00:11:09,882 Head for my bathroom. Remember. 296 00:11:09,917 --> 00:11:12,384 That spider can sense the subtlest sign of fear. 297 00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:15,020 Something just ran past my foot. 298 00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:22,660 Damn it, the power's out! 299 00:11:22,694 --> 00:11:24,127 Then so am I! 300 00:11:24,162 --> 00:11:26,262 No! You just leveled the playing field. 301 00:11:26,298 --> 00:11:27,330 They have eight eyes. 302 00:11:27,365 --> 00:11:28,731 You only have two. 303 00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:30,533 You just took away their one advantage. 304 00:11:31,197 --> 00:11:33,163 What about their sac of poison? 305 00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,467 Okay, I'm in the bathroom. 306 00:11:37,503 --> 00:11:39,603 Good, good. The medication... 307 00:11:39,638 --> 00:11:41,505 is down below in the cabinet. 308 00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:44,274 You want me to reach my hand into a dark, damp breeding ground? 309 00:11:44,310 --> 00:11:47,077 It's all the way in the back on the far right. 310 00:11:47,112 --> 00:11:49,112 Just feel around for the jar. 311 00:11:49,148 --> 00:11:50,647 So, skitter my hand back and forth? 312 00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:53,016 That's basically a spider mating dance! 313 00:11:57,122 --> 00:11:58,789 Got it. 314 00:11:58,824 --> 00:12:00,023 Whoa! Ow! 315 00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:01,792 Talk to me, over. 316 00:12:03,429 --> 00:12:04,628 Manny! 317 00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:08,699 Not leaving! 318 00:12:08,734 --> 00:12:10,601 Still shopping! 319 00:12:10,636 --> 00:12:12,736 As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough, 320 00:12:12,771 --> 00:12:14,171 now that we were hosting Christmas, 321 00:12:14,206 --> 00:12:16,340 I had to get a new tree and gifts into the house 322 00:12:16,375 --> 00:12:17,541 before Claire got home. 323 00:12:17,576 --> 00:12:20,043 Fortunately, I had a copy of her gift list. 324 00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:22,446 It was eerie how many of these events 325 00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:24,915 were lining up with the plot of my children's book in progress, 326 00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:26,550 "The Realtor Who Saved Christmas." 327 00:12:29,681 --> 00:12:31,548 - Hello? - Buddy, I need a favor. 328 00:12:31,583 --> 00:12:33,016 Remember that polar bear wrapping paper 329 00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:35,051 you made us buy so much of because you can't do math? 330 00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,586 - Uh-huh. - Grab a couple rolls of it, 331 00:12:36,621 --> 00:12:38,822 meet me out in front of the house in 20 minutes. 332 00:12:38,857 --> 00:12:41,391 We're all out. Mom used the last of it on this year's gifts. 333 00:12:41,426 --> 00:12:44,961 Damn it! I need a bunch of it. Where am I supposed to f... 334 00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,363 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 335 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,499 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 336 00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,701 - ♪ Hallelujah ♪ - All good, Luke. 337 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:07,817 Well, we got what we need. 338 00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,753 I'm glad someone's getting what they want this year. 339 00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:11,087 You know what? Here, take my phone. 340 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,389 If you can get through a day without losing it, it's yours. 341 00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,798 You must've run through some hairspray. 342 00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,333 Your boots are like flypaper. 343 00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:24,601 That's why that spray was banned. 344 00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:27,237 Birds were flying over the factory and getting stuck together. 345 00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:30,507 Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second. 346 00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:32,208 This is your medication? 347 00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,810 "Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?" 348 00:13:33,845 --> 00:13:35,278 I suffer from dry elbow. 349 00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:36,846 That's what I risked my life for? 350 00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:40,083 Supple elbows are heavily featured in every good power pose. 351 00:13:43,041 --> 00:13:44,508 That's how I got the cover to Closet World. 352 00:13:44,543 --> 00:13:46,309 I literally elbowed my way to the top. 353 00:13:47,735 --> 00:13:49,312 I booked us a hotel. 354 00:13:49,348 --> 00:13:51,147 Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe. 355 00:13:52,651 --> 00:13:53,450 Fix that. 356 00:13:58,123 --> 00:13:59,589 What are you roasting on the space heater? 357 00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:01,758 Oh, I threw those cards in the trash. 358 00:14:01,793 --> 00:14:03,260 They got all soggy. 359 00:14:03,295 --> 00:14:04,628 - Even Uncle Cam's? - Mm-hmm. 360 00:14:04,663 --> 00:14:07,864 You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns. 361 00:14:18,944 --> 00:14:20,911 - Hello, Phil. - Oh! 362 00:14:20,946 --> 00:14:21,912 Oh, that's right. 363 00:14:21,947 --> 00:14:23,380 The tree's back where it belongs. 364 00:14:23,415 --> 00:14:24,514 You stole it?! 365 00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:25,949 Oh, no, you did. 366 00:14:25,984 --> 00:14:28,818 Just like you stole my family of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys, 367 00:14:28,854 --> 00:14:30,320 my inflatable Easter bunny, 368 00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:32,122 and my Uncle Sam piñata, 369 00:14:32,157 --> 00:14:34,257 all for your open houses. 370 00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:38,684 Today was my chance to shed a very unfair reputation. 371 00:14:38,719 --> 00:14:39,329 Claire... 372 00:14:39,364 --> 00:14:42,198 I put two people in the hospital one time, 373 00:14:42,234 --> 00:14:44,167 and now I'm a Christmas ruiner. 374 00:14:44,202 --> 00:14:45,368 Fire! 375 00:14:45,404 --> 00:14:47,437 Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher! 376 00:14:47,472 --> 00:14:49,940 Aah! It's Cam's glitter card! I knew it! 377 00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:50,774 Stand back! 378 00:14:50,809 --> 00:14:52,175 Aah! 379 00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:53,143 The tree! 380 00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:54,311 The tree, Phil! 381 00:14:54,346 --> 00:14:56,323 Do the tree, Phil. The gifts! 382 00:14:57,149 --> 00:14:59,349 The... The... Honey... 383 00:14:59,384 --> 00:15:00,850 It's out! 384 00:15:00,886 --> 00:15:03,954 This must be the one Luke and I used for our jet pack prototype. 385 00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:08,325 You know, we're being crazy. There is no perfect moment. 386 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,461 We're just going to walk in there like adults and tell them. 387 00:15:21,132 --> 00:15:21,897 Honey... 388 00:15:21,932 --> 00:15:22,998 It's no use. 389 00:15:23,034 --> 00:15:24,733 It's over, Phil. 390 00:15:24,769 --> 00:15:25,934 The house smells like smoke, 391 00:15:25,970 --> 00:15:26,969 we have no tree 392 00:15:27,004 --> 00:15:29,905 and nine scorched, yet soaking-wet gifts. 393 00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:32,341 Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day 394 00:15:32,376 --> 00:15:34,743 by telling him we're moving the party to his house 395 00:15:34,779 --> 00:15:39,081 and I'm on permanent host probation forever. 396 00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:40,549 Who knows? 397 00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:44,153 Maybe in a couple years they'll toss me a pity holiday... 398 00:15:44,188 --> 00:15:48,691 "Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch." 399 00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:50,626 In brighter news, 400 00:15:50,661 --> 00:15:53,295 I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours. 401 00:15:53,330 --> 00:15:55,397 Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right? 402 00:15:55,433 --> 00:15:56,365 Claire. 403 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,434 Honey, I just can't right now. 404 00:15:58,469 --> 00:15:59,568 I'm not in the mood for... 405 00:16:03,319 --> 00:16:05,507 - How? - Merry Christmas from me. 406 00:16:05,543 --> 00:16:09,144 Did you sneak out earlier and buy all this stuff to cover your tracks? 407 00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:12,381 Or you can choose to believe it's a Christmas miracle. 408 00:16:12,416 --> 00:16:13,749 I choose miracle. 409 00:16:15,786 --> 00:16:17,152 Happy holidays! 410 00:16:17,188 --> 00:16:19,521 - Hey! - Hey! 411 00:16:19,557 --> 00:16:21,256 Thank you for taking over. 412 00:16:21,292 --> 00:16:22,858 - You saved the day! - Merry Christmas. 413 00:16:22,893 --> 00:16:24,960 Well, you know, it's kind of what I do. 414 00:16:24,995 --> 00:16:26,228 Come on, drinks in the kitchen. 415 00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:27,963 - Yay! All right! - All right! 416 00:16:32,001 --> 00:16:34,435 Ooh, Manny, what's up with the noggin bump? 417 00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:35,303 What? Where? 418 00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:36,370 Oh, no. 419 00:16:36,406 --> 00:16:38,372 That looks like a banana spider bite! 420 00:16:38,408 --> 00:16:39,841 It's not a bite, he bumped his head. 421 00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,275 No, that looks like a bite. 422 00:16:41,311 --> 00:16:44,278 My sister got bit by a Missouri Silo Spider... lost a toe. 423 00:16:44,314 --> 00:16:47,281 Happy ending... she was born with eleven. 424 00:16:47,317 --> 00:16:48,916 Manny, we need to get that checked. 425 00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:50,184 There is an antidote, 426 00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,687 but if you have never been bitten by the spider, 427 00:16:52,722 --> 00:16:53,921 it might kill you. 428 00:16:53,957 --> 00:16:55,523 - Let's go to the car. - I... Jay. 429 00:16:55,558 --> 00:16:56,991 Stop! He wasn't bitten. 430 00:16:57,026 --> 00:16:58,626 He bumped his head when he went back in the house 431 00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:00,495 to grab my... medication. 432 00:17:01,464 --> 00:17:02,396 What medication? 433 00:17:02,432 --> 00:17:03,965 Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay? 434 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,800 We're gonna get through this, buddy. 435 00:17:05,835 --> 00:17:08,336 It's an elbow cream that I secretly use 436 00:17:08,371 --> 00:17:10,371 every night after Gloria falls asleep. 437 00:17:10,406 --> 00:17:13,808 You sent our son into the nest of a deadly spider 438 00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:14,876 for a beauty cream? 439 00:17:14,911 --> 00:17:16,210 It's a medicine 440 00:17:16,246 --> 00:17:19,580 that treats the heartbreaking condition of dry elbow! 441 00:17:19,616 --> 00:17:22,316 It requires a veterinarian's prescription 442 00:17:22,352 --> 00:17:25,052 because it's primarily used on rhinos and elephants. 443 00:17:26,489 --> 00:17:29,390 I see on our march to become a perfect society, 444 00:17:29,425 --> 00:17:30,958 elbow shaming is still allowed. 445 00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,694 I get a little dry sometimes. 446 00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:36,597 Hey! You're just as much a person as everybody else. 447 00:17:36,633 --> 00:17:38,566 I can't believe that you're so vain that you... 448 00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:42,069 Wait, is that my Christmas card stuck on the bottom of your shoe? 449 00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:44,205 And why... why is it singed? 450 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,873 Ugh, you got to be less about the cards. 451 00:17:45,909 --> 00:17:47,542 We all think it. 452 00:17:47,577 --> 00:17:50,778 Didn't you empty a can of powerful hairspray in the bathroom? 453 00:17:51,873 --> 00:17:52,838 And did you go in there, too? 454 00:17:55,343 --> 00:17:58,944 Fine! I needed something, okay? 455 00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:01,213 But at least I went in myself. 456 00:18:01,249 --> 00:18:03,649 After you offered me $20 and I said no. 457 00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:06,151 Some of us can't be bought. 458 00:18:06,187 --> 00:18:07,620 What did you need? 459 00:18:07,655 --> 00:18:10,189 Whatever it is, we're gonna get through this. 460 00:18:10,224 --> 00:18:12,124 A night guard. 461 00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,660 I didn't want to tell you, but every night, 462 00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:17,396 I wait for you to fall asleep, so I put it on. 463 00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,365 It's so unattractive. 464 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,332 That's it? 465 00:18:20,368 --> 00:18:23,669 Ith not thex-thee. I look hideouth! 466 00:18:23,704 --> 00:18:25,938 Oh, that really humanizes her. 467 00:18:25,973 --> 00:18:27,106 I don't care for it. 468 00:18:29,663 --> 00:18:31,997 Okay, one of my teeth is loose. 469 00:18:32,032 --> 00:18:33,432 I am begging you to tell them. 470 00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:34,500 That's what this is. 471 00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:36,068 I'm coming down the chimney as Santa, 472 00:18:36,103 --> 00:18:37,703 delighting Joe and Cal. 473 00:18:37,738 --> 00:18:39,538 Mom will see how good he is with kids 474 00:18:39,573 --> 00:18:41,773 and then be super chill with us being pregnant. 475 00:18:41,809 --> 00:18:43,008 Ugh... 476 00:18:43,878 --> 00:18:44,776 Uh-oh. 477 00:18:44,812 --> 00:18:46,278 I'm stuck. 478 00:18:46,313 --> 00:18:47,679 Okay, everybody, come on, picture time! 479 00:18:47,715 --> 00:18:49,081 In front of the tree, let's go. 480 00:18:49,116 --> 00:18:50,315 Oh, God. Just be quiet! 481 00:18:50,351 --> 00:18:51,984 There you are. Okay, where's Dylan? 482 00:18:52,019 --> 00:18:53,418 Aww, Mom. 483 00:18:53,454 --> 00:18:55,220 What? We need somebody to take the picture. 484 00:18:55,256 --> 00:18:56,255 Harsh. 485 00:18:57,224 --> 00:18:58,423 What was that? 486 00:18:58,459 --> 00:19:00,893 Don't we always have the fire on? 487 00:19:00,928 --> 00:19:02,194 - No! - I'm sure we do. 488 00:19:02,229 --> 00:19:05,230 Last year we used it to finish cooking Claire's turkey pieces. 489 00:19:05,266 --> 00:19:06,698 Jay, go turn it on. 490 00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:07,833 Wait! Wait, wait, wait. 491 00:19:07,868 --> 00:19:09,735 Every... Everybody 12 and under, out. 492 00:19:09,770 --> 00:19:13,272 What? Honey, what's going on? 493 00:19:14,275 --> 00:19:15,407 Dylan's stuck in the chimney. 494 00:19:17,344 --> 00:19:18,277 Why? 495 00:19:18,312 --> 00:19:19,411 He's dressed up as Santa. 496 00:19:19,446 --> 00:19:20,779 He was gonna hand presents out to the kids. 497 00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:21,847 Aww. 498 00:19:21,882 --> 00:19:24,016 Don't tell them now. I want to be with you! 499 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:25,884 Tell us what? 500 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,052 Nothing. It can wait. 501 00:19:27,087 --> 00:19:28,687 No, it can't! Please! 502 00:19:28,722 --> 00:19:30,389 My organs are shutting down! 503 00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:31,857 Okay, fine. I... 504 00:19:33,994 --> 00:19:36,461 We have an announcement. 505 00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:41,597 Dylan and I are having a baby. 506 00:19:44,102 --> 00:19:45,635 Are they smiling? 507 00:19:45,670 --> 00:19:47,570 You're pregnant? 508 00:19:47,605 --> 00:19:48,494 Yes. 509 00:19:49,541 --> 00:19:51,707 And w-we're really happy about it. 510 00:19:51,743 --> 00:19:54,177 Why wouldn't you be? 511 00:19:54,212 --> 00:19:55,011 Wow! 512 00:19:56,047 --> 00:19:57,280 Mom? 513 00:19:57,315 --> 00:20:01,117 It's... it's a lot to process at once, and... 514 00:20:04,822 --> 00:20:06,789 A baby. Unbelievable! 515 00:20:07,992 --> 00:20:11,727 - Congratulations! - Oh, my gosh! A baby! 516 00:20:11,763 --> 00:20:13,162 Oh, God. 517 00:20:13,198 --> 00:20:15,965 You handled that a lot better than I did back in the day. 518 00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:17,433 Outside. 519 00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,235 - On the inside, I'm you. - Mm-hmm. 520 00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:20,870 Can somebody save my life? 521 00:20:20,905 --> 00:20:22,738 - Oh, Cam, grab a foot. - Yep. 522 00:20:23,908 --> 00:20:25,341 God, he's really wedged in there. 523 00:20:25,376 --> 00:20:27,143 Ah, if only we had some kind of award-winning, 524 00:20:27,178 --> 00:20:28,611 placenta-based lubricant. 525 00:20:28,646 --> 00:20:29,679 Fine! 526 00:20:29,714 --> 00:20:32,114 Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this. 527 00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:34,984 I can't believe a little Dylan is gonna pop out of you! 528 00:20:35,019 --> 00:20:36,219 What would that even look like? 529 00:20:36,817 --> 00:20:38,521 Oh! 530 00:20:41,993 --> 00:20:43,492 Everybody come on in for the picture! 531 00:20:43,528 --> 00:20:44,727 I'll set the timer. 532 00:20:44,762 --> 00:20:46,996 This is all gonna work out, right? 533 00:20:47,031 --> 00:20:48,297 Definitely. Yeah. 534 00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:50,900 Hang on. Let me get my elbows ready. 535 00:20:50,935 --> 00:20:53,536 Okay, everybody smile, say "baby!" 536 00:20:53,571 --> 00:20:55,071 Baby! 537 00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,828 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 538 00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:02,933 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 539 00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:05,001 ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ 540 00:21:05,037 --> 00:21:07,137 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 541 00:21:07,172 --> 00:21:09,473 ♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪ 542 00:21:09,508 --> 00:21:11,742 ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪ 543 00:21:11,777 --> 00:21:13,877 ♪ Did we leave the kids at Claire's house? ♪ 544 00:21:13,912 --> 00:21:15,979 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 545 00:21:16,014 --> 00:21:18,048 ♪ Lily really needs a cell phone ♪ 546 00:21:18,083 --> 00:21:20,350 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 547 00:21:20,386 --> 00:21:22,519 ♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪ 548 00:21:22,554 --> 00:21:24,785 ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪ 549 00:21:27,967 --> 00:21:29,985 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com